I seem to always remember this blog when I’m at my lowest.
I’m now 20. Soon 21. And I’ve miscarried 2 babies. Seems like my body isn’t made for children. Seems like my body isn’t made for anything but scaring. It’s been 3 years since I’ve hurt myself so badly I needed to go to the hospital. I miss seeing my blood. Feels like scaring my own body was the only good thing I did. I’m just at the brink and being able to drink till I’m on the edge of consciousness doesn’t help. I just want to give up. Just fully stop functioning. Just. I need a purpose.

2 months ago I had to have my ovaries checked because of a very sharp pain my my pelvis…. 

The lady asked me if I had an accident a few months ago… I didn’t know she meant… Basically… without my knowledge I had a miscarriage. I’m on the contraceptive injection so I’ve been having unprotected sex with my flatmate every week…. Seems like its true that it only works 99%…. I got pregnant in May/June…. then miscarried in the beginning of September. I thought I was bleeding because I missed my injection by 2 weeks…. well that wasn’t it… Theres now a 50/50 chance I can have a baby in the future.

Its never hid me as it did today… My godson called me and asked if I am okay and I just broke down… If I had it calculated right I would be 8 months pregnant now. I would be a month away from being a mum and being 20 years old.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this… and this blog has always been my saviour. My old place to went out, I just can’t help it today…. I’ve been clenching my stomach and thinking of that tinny blob that would have been inside me. 

I’m sorry…. get on with life. 

My name is Zaneta, I was on here ¾ years ago with severe depression and insomnia. I would constantly post my thoughts and show my self harming… yeah. Then I moved onto a nudity photos with a different blog…. Well, I’m doing neither now. 

From the age of 10 till 17 I was my own canvas. Self harming anyway I could; burning, cutting, overdosing, drinking heavily. Then things changed at 17, I began to not want to hurt myself… I discovered others can do it for me, and with the belief that I deserved it I began a blog where guys would call me horrible sexualised names for their pleasure and for mine because they confirmed I was useless….Just before the beginning of 2014, (Before I turned 19) I lost my virginity properly and the guy treated me like heaven… He was amazing but I lived with him so it was only friends with benefits thing. But it showed me that I deserve to be loved and known for more than the sexualisation of my body.So I stopped. I am barely on tumblr now…

I am living my life the way I chose to. I hang out with people who cause ME happiness and bring positivity to my life. I have a friend at university who calls me Doll, when she first did it I broke into tears because thats an affectionate name now things I’ve been called before…

I no longer live in London… I live away from here at University because I actually got in.. And its made things better. I cut all connections with people in London and I am so happy to be with my university friends… they keep me grounded… keep me where I need to be.

I just wanted to say I am okay for any of those that care. I am getting amazing support at University and just cannot wait to go back in a month! 

Thank you all for the support when I did run this blog! Thank you all!